Training ourselves out of Reactions

Repeatedly, we are triggered by our precious, well-meaning little ones.  A child triggers a parent's anger, impatience, worry, rage, or aversion.  Whether it's persistent crying or whining, by their resistance to teaching or guidance, their forgetfulness, their interruptions, their doddling, whatever it is that triggers us, we can feel the whirlwind of emotions stirring inside of us.

We wonder where on Earth this impatience, rage, or desire to run away comes from.  We may be hard on ourselves and continuously promise ourselves we'll not react that way again in the future.... and then we do.... and we feel like we're on a downward spiral. Or perhaps we don't react and we "manage" the rage by stuffing it down.... but have we really fixed anything inside of ourselves?

What is going on?  How can we really get control of ourselves, heal the anger, and not pass these hurtful patterns down to our children?

Our reactions arise from part of the brain called the amygdala.  It is the primal part of the brain responsible for basic survival:  fight or flight.  Everything in our environment goes in through this area of the brain.  It's like a filter, ensuring everything is safe before we can go on to higher processing.

If the amygdala senses a situation that it remembers from our past as a threat, it releases adrenaline in the body.  It's essentially screaming at us to "get away" or "fight" the current situation in the outside world.

So when feel that intense emotion arising within us, we need not be angry with ourselves - it is simply our trusty old brain remembering something scary from the past.  Perhaps a teacher verbally or physically assaulted us when we failed to learn something "the right way", which has led to this reaction in us when our children fail to learn something "the right way".   Perhaps we hold deep fears inside from being neglected or abandoned and when our child needs our emotional support, we feel triggered.... and the list goes on!

We may not consciously be aware of what happened in the past that is triggering this brain response,  but the brain remembers, and for years we have habitually and unconsciously perpetuated this brain reaction because we've not been aware of what is going on in the brain or why we are having the sensations in our body that make us want to run away or hurt an innocent other.

How do we heal it?

The explanation is simple.  The practice takes commitment.

Step one is awareness.  When you feel the adrenaline beginning to arise and rush through your body, notice it and acknowledge it is happening by labelling it with one simple phrase:   "I'm triggered."

Step two is to stop and breathe.   Once you've noticed you're triggered, every part of your body is screaming for you to "do something!" - to react.  Don't.  Simply stay as centered as you can in the moment, say and do nothing at all, and be with the feelings rushing through your body.  Breathe deeply. It may also be helpful to close your eyes as you breathe and notice finer details of the sensations moving.... where do they arise and what exactly do they feel like?

Step three is self compassion.  If any thought enters your head, let it be this: Nothing is wrong with me.  My brain is just doing its job remembering something scary from the past and it's lovingly trying to protect me.

The neat thing about this is that what we're doing here is re-training the brain.  You're saying: "ok, brain, I hear you!  You're sensing something scary out here and you're letting me know!  Well, thanks so much for that."   By not reacting, you're letting your brain know that what is happening actually ISN'T something requiring a fight or flight response. 

Step four is to simply wait until the sensations in the body have completely died down.  Now you will be able to respond from the higher part of your brain (the part you really want to respond from!)

When we repeat this process over and over, we undo the brain's wiring and habit patterns of the past.  Through non-reaction we dissolve them completely.  It might take dozens of times of us feeling the reaction rise and pass without reacting to it to heal the unwanted pattern.  And it's SO WORTH IT.  Our kids are so worth the effort.

   "If you really aren't trying to get anywhere else, patience takes care of itself." John Kabat-Zinn

Children are Barometers

Kids seem to be little 'truth barometers' --  really knowing when adults are speaking from their heart.

Every time I open my mouth and something comes out that isn't "truth" speaking, I can see my son's response -- his body language, his gaze, his eyes, his energy -- and in this response, the message/vibration it is reflected straight back at me.  Like a sonar, those shades and tones, make very apparent any untruth embedded in my message.

This reflection that he offers enables me to observe myself -- to check-in with my heart and make adjustments to my vibe/message so it's cleaner and truer.  I thank him every day for this as it fully supports me in my evolution and understanding of what my truth is.

Something really fascinating is that my son has been asking me to read him the bible and spiritual books lately.  He is fascinated with spirituality and spiritual figures and wants to devote quite a chunk of time to this every day (again - wonderful for me to learn this discipline from him).  

What is powerful about this is how exploring spirituality together has provided me with much deeper insight regarding discernment when it comes to the information I am receiving from outside sources.  Normally, I read a spiritual book and take it in, not always doing a full check-in with my inner knowing as to whether it is really resonating with me fully through and through.  When I read it to my son, it amps up my inner barometer to a much higher level.  The level of resonance is truly palpable as I glance over the words and before it even leaves my lips, and I often "translate" sections to what feels truest and highest, or skip it all together and find another section or book that feels higher. 

He responds with such amazement and has the most jaw-dropping revelations/understandings/conclusions to share when it has its highest resonance with me.  We end up in amazing conversations together because of the frequency of these truths vibrating through us. 

It's wonderful to have our little barometers.  What amazing gifts to cherish.

Learning and the Community

As our children spiral outward into the world, they will understand how unique their learning lives are from the majority.  If we have trusted them implicitly and if we haven't disempowered them, they will feel confident and assured in their different-from-the-norm "educational" upbringing. They will feel secure in knowing that they were gifted with freedom, empowerment and trust and that gift has nourrished their soul and creative genius.

Entering the world with unwavering trust in themselves as learners, they will be confident in all of their chosen endeavours.  They will understand that they are fully capable, powerful human beings. That unwavering trust within the child has been brought forth from the trust given to them by their parents and by supportive mentors and community.  

If those around children trust in all the unique faces of learning and exalt the unique expressions of the individual, we will move forward -- beyond a place of critical judgement, of timelines, prototype human beings, of haste and racing towards something that isn't serving us.  

For us to reach a place of loving acceptance in our families and in our communities, the children need to know that those most important in her life have complete faith in her and in all her learning "faces". She needs to know that she is serving the community through her unique expressions.

Trusting Children in their Learning

Trusting that a child will develop into a capable, creative and empowered human being can be challenging.  Without realizing it, we can hang on to hidden ideals, expectations and beliefs that have been passed down and hardened over many generations. Surrounding learning and education, these beliefs tend to be very narrow in nature:  we think "this happens, then this, next is this and it must look like this...."  

We have assumptions about what things should be learned at what age and in what order. We may feel strongly about "helping along" when we think a certain thing should be happening when it isn't. If we are working with blinders on, viewing our child with institutional eyes and pushing the same standards and ideals that were pushed on us. 

From the institutional standards perspective, we tend to try to interfere more, perhaps moving the child in a certain direction or to do something in a certain way before she is ready and in a way that is not optimal for this child.   We must become aware that the "one size fits all" education is not optimal for the majority of children.  Schools are failing our children, so why would we take that model home with us in our home learning? 

We need to be willing to dig deep and find great courage to jump out of the box a lot farther and to shed layers of belief in this regard if we are going to serve our child's highest experience and for the planet to take a positive evolutionary turn.

To let go of the standard, cookie-cut-out version of learning that schools perpetuate, we must come to understand and be comfortable with the fact that a child may not take off with a particular concept or even an entire learning area for years after her schooled peers. There may be a realm that a child holds very little interest in for the majority of her childhood.  Perhaps she'll become interested in said subject at "x" age and then she will experience its gloriousness and discover true love for it - and that age might be 5, 15 or 57.  Whatever age that is, when she connects with it intrinsically, it will be of sincere interest to her to learn, love and explore. And the learning can be voracious, covering huge territory in very little time.  This is a sure sign that the timing is right for this learner.  When learning is unforced and totally natural (full of wonder and curiosity rather than obligation and expectation), this is how learning looks.  When the need and interest arises, it will be slurped up like the world's tastiest morsel. 

With this type of freedom, we maintain true trust in ourselves as life long learners and will continue scrumptious, soul-nourishing learning, without seeing and end, confidently picking up new endeavours our entire lives. 

Oh if i could have been graced with that gift!

Math is often a tough one for parents to release from because we've been so far removed from what natural, wonder-filled math learning can look and feel like.  We've been told "math looks like this" and "you must to do it this way to 'get' it" and "this is what you learn, in this order...."   If we push this model, we risk corrupting the wonder and beauty that naturally exists in numbers, patterns and relationships that exist all around us. Repetitive work, numbers on a piece of paper with artificial examples, worksheets, textbooks, memorization pertaining often to things we don't even feel connected to.... this method puts the intrinsic love of math at huge risk.   Is this something we wish to risk dissolving for the sake of "ensuring" the child is "equipped with certain skills" by some certain age?  Or can we trust that the child will become equipped as she sees necessary?  Look deeply at your fears and see.... are they really true?  Or are you looking through the narrow institutional lens?
When coming from a schooled background and rigid upbringing, it can be quite the road/journey to build deep trust that the passion-led path we are carving as families is a healthy and positive path and the optimal choice for our children, and their children.... optimal for human evolution in general.  Do we want to perpetuate the old, narrow, limiting views and experiences of the world?  Do we want to keep telling our children "THIS is the way to experience and learn about the world?!"
Finding deep, consistent trust in our children's learning and unfolding is what we aim for.  Each time we push our children down a certain path because of our own fears about their potential "inadequacy", we are transmitting those fears along to them. We are undermining their trust in themselves to be capable learning and growing and being unique and radiant in the world.
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"If those around me don't believe that I am capable of learning something the right way and at the perfect time for me, then how can I trust that I am? "  And the child throws away her knowing and trust in herself in exchange for what other people want.  And this is what continues to shape our society.  We as parents have the opportunity to change this.  Go ahead, be courageous out on the Leading Edge!
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Fostering Self-Discipline in Children

I've had numerous conversations with moms about self discipline/perseverance and it seems to be a hot topic!  I've wondered how it is formed optimally in a human being ....

- is it through someone creating discipline FOR the child (hoping it will transform some day into SELF discipline) ...

- is it the child exploring the world freely and completely choosing themselves when and how to "be disciplined" to achieve her goals....

- is it the child exploring the world freely while people around the child joyfully demonstrate self-discipline in their daily routines, learning new things, choosing to take things step-by-step to reach their goals, demonstrating to the child what passion-led learning looks like?  

The first idea is forced and not based in passion or joy.  It is not about the child learning how to self control, it's about the child being controlled by others who claim to know better, like in school or other institutions, and once we're out of those institutions, many of us have a difficult time making clear, joy-based decisions for ourselves, creating our own joyful personal routines based in the things we truly love, expressing ourselves in our soul's highest. The first example would reply:  "forget about that - let's get SERIOUS about life and all its 'harsh realities' and 'un-fun-ness' and do what 'HAS' to be done, follow social norms/settle for a mediocre job/suck it up and do required icky 'duties'"  So going about it from the angle of this first example may lead to a child who is successful for the system, but who does not feel very free or passion-led. 

The second option seems to be a child floating around freely without much in the way of guidance... she is exploring, wondering, observing, pursuing things she enjoys to some degree, but may not have much to launch off of towards her goals.  She may not totally have a sense of how to move from a place of random exploration to really focusing in on learning step-by-step how to achieve something she's passionate about.  She may be avoidant of things that are challenging and requiring patience because she does not know what self-discipline looks like and what its joyful benefits are. 

The third idea - having a free environment in which to "SelfDesign" combined with being surrounded by adults who are demonstrating themselves joyful life learning and exercising self-chosen discipline to achieve their desires -- now this feels like it could lead to a young one who would find optimal methods to good-feeling, joy-based self-discipline and success.

So what is so fascinating about this is how everything always comes back to us and how we are in the world.  When we are on our optimal path, pursuing our dreams, shining our light brightly, we are like light houses for passion and perseverance!  We are creating loveliness for others to see and say "That person sure looks like they are feeling good... and their feeling goodness is helping others see their own goodness.... hey, I can feel that way too!  And be of service to others at the same time!  All I have to do is follow my dreams with all my heart!"  And then they go on to choose the necessary discipline action.  Ah ha!  Greater Good is created!

Desire

Today my son excitedly brought out his shoes after many months of wearing his Sorels here in the still-snowy kootenays.  He carefully began untying the laces of the double-striped black walking shoe I was fortunate to scoop up at the local free store.  He stops to examine the two white stripes on the side, running his fingers along the leather with interest.

"Mom," he says, "I like shoes that have THREE stripes."

I smiled and mirrored back to him,  "You like the look of three stripes on shoes."

He nodded, pleased to have been heard.   "One day I would like to have shoes with three stripes!"

"It is possible." I reply.

The conversation ends as we happily slip on and tie up the double-stripe shoes.  He seems very content at this point with two stripes and the knowing that shoes with three stripes could perhaps grace his feet in the future.

Desire is beautiful and lives in us all. Without desire, we would not be creators in a realm of infinite possibility.   Supporting our child in his desires may be done in a healthy fashion through tuning-in and feeling the desire alongside him.

Imagine laying on the grass beside your child and staring at the clouds passing by for quite some time.  Glorious wonder fills your mind as you watch the winds blow the clouds and perhaps notice the turning of the Earth.  Your child launches a rocket of desire - she states that she would like to look down at the Earth from space some day.  In your relaxed, open, wondrous state you can totally envision this desire through your child's eyes - the hugeness of being in that powerful, breathtaking place.  You feel positive energy about this desire and greet it with deep appreciation and understanding.

When we support our child's desires in a loving fashion, we can greet all of her desires with appreciation and understanding.  We can release our evaluation of the desire and just allow it to "Be".   Being mindful of potential fear-based thoughts that can enter our head and create negative energy will help us to instead choose more loving and supportive ways of communicating.  I could have "read-in" to my son's desire in a number of ways and responded from a fear-based place:

"You want shoes with three stripes?  What's wrong with these??  These shoes are perfectly fine."

"Oh, two stripes are WAY cooler than three stripes.  You know why? .... "

"Well I just got these shoes and we're really lucky to have found these, so just appreciate what you have, mister, because I'm not going out to buy you shoes just because they have three stripes instead of two!"

If I'd taken a route similar to the above, I would have been squashing his legitimate desire, convincing him out of his dream and insinuating that it's invalid.  Small of an example as this is, the above responses are disempowering him in that moment.  If I am unconsciously communicating in this fashion on a regular basis, these seemingly trivial communications add up in the long run.

In addition to desire-squashing and invalidation, I would also be teaching my son many complex things that I might not truly want to convey through the above responses: I'd be teaching him to make assumptions and to jump to conclusions; I'd be instilling in him views of scarcity;  I'd be conveying the message to him that others' desires are more appropriate for him than his own; and, I'd be demonstrating ways to manipulate people out of their personal desires.

Keeping the desire alive in your child means putting yourself "in his shoes" as much as possible in order to truly connect to and understand his desire.  When your child is desiring something you may wish he wasn't, put yourself on the grass staring at the clouds in that moment, and ask yourself - really, what's so bad about that desire?  I can see how he'd want that!

Now you're tuned-in to the infinite creativity alive in your child.

Needy Babies and Children

From birth, the tiny human being is equipped with a wonderful tool to alert the care giver that she is in need.  A baby's cry stimulates a mother to promptly move to care for the child.  As the child slowly grows and matures, vocal sounds evolve and the child has a wide variety of sounds, words, tones and expressions to communicate the details of her needs with greater precision.  As the child grows older, many parents experience a lessening in their level of patience with their child expressing her needs.   This may be correlated with the parent experiencing the burden of increased social pressures to raise "independent" children - children that don't require much from mom and dad.   

This is a most curious myth that exists in our heads and for many parents is very palpable, perhaps to the point of feeling quite uncomfortable.... even excruciating.  

Parents who buy-into this line of thinking may begin to question the positive intent of the child.  Words like "manipulation" or "demanding" or "needy" may come to mind when referring to the child.  Parents may think that they should start weaning the child off of them as a provider for their needs.  They begin pushing their youngster away in attempts to "teach them independence".  They may feel inner confusion about this choice, which is often an alert that the belief is mis-aligned with their inner truth and with the unique level of need of their child.   They may seek out information and advice that supports and upholds the misaligned belief to need-wean, and even when they find it, they continue to feel confused and "not quite right" about following the advice. 

Not going along with social pressures can bring up feelings of self-criticism, insecurity and fears of looking like a "bad" parent.  We may tell ourselves "stories" to justify our disconnected actions  --  that the child "shouldn't be so clingy", "shouldn't need me so much at this age", "shouldn't want to be held so regularly", and so on.  We feel dissonance between our ability to intuitively know what is right for our child and her unique needs and what the "experts" might say.  It can be very difficult to trust in and follow the cues of our children because we fear our intuition may be "off".  We fear that society will disapprove of our methods if they appear unusual. 

Sadly, when parents accept this pressure and buy-in to societal standards of child behaviour and needs, they perpetuate old myths that steer us away from being intuitive and flexible with our children.  They move us in a direction of thinking that something could be "wrong" with our child and their personal level of need or development.  This can push us to choose actions that create distrust and disconnection and perhaps fail to support our child where she is at.  The child senses the shift in the level of attentiveness for her needs -- the pre-mature attempts to push her away or in a direction she is not yet ready for -- and her cries for attentiveness become more emphatic.  The deeper the old, disadvantageous assumptions are ingrained in us, the more stubbornly we stick to resisting our child's legitimate need-based communications.  Without conscious change, this will escalate for some time until the child develops habitually dysfunctional ways of communicating her needs or emotionally shuts down, perhaps manifesting the very "dysfunction" that the parent was fearing and attempting to prevent.

Becoming aware of parenting practices that are Optimal for loving evolution means placing everything that feels inauthentic, or "not quite right" under the microscope.  When we closely examine societal assumptions, we can see that changing the way we think about caring for our children and how we choose to respond to them can have huge impact in our society.   Continuing to shed assumptions that no longer serve us in the highest way brings us ever-closer to the peaceful, loving race we all wish to be.  We, parents of today, have complete free choice in how we choose to Be with our children.  This, in turn, influences the conscious evolution of the next generation on the planet.  Imagine the exponential increase in loving connection and joy that our children will have with their children if we raise them in a conscious, Love-led fashion?  We can dismantle and discard the out-dated, control-based beliefs and choose something higher and better for our families.  In doing so, we offer an amazingly joyful and free existence to our children... then their children.... and infinitely on....    
Parents: how powerful of a purpose is THAT?!?