Repeatedly, we are triggered by our precious, well-meaning little ones. A child triggers a parent's anger, impatience, worry, rage, or aversion. Whether it's persistent crying or whining, by their resistance to teaching or guidance, their forgetfulness, their interruptions, their doddling, whatever it is that triggers us, we can feel the whirlwind of emotions stirring inside of us.
We wonder where on Earth this impatience, rage, or desire to run away comes from. We may be hard on ourselves and continuously promise ourselves we'll not react that way again in the future.... and then we do.... and we feel like we're on a downward spiral. Or perhaps we don't react and we "manage" the rage by stuffing it down.... but have we really fixed anything inside of ourselves?
What is going on? How can we really get control of ourselves, heal the anger, and not pass these hurtful patterns down to our children?
Our reactions arise from part of the brain called the amygdala. It is the primal part of the brain responsible for basic survival: fight or flight. Everything in our environment goes in through this area of the brain. It's like a filter, ensuring everything is safe before we can go on to higher processing.
If the amygdala senses a situation that it remembers from our past as a threat, it releases adrenaline in the body. It's essentially screaming at us to "get away" or "fight" the current situation in the outside world.
So when feel that intense emotion arising within us, we need not be angry with ourselves - it is simply our trusty old brain remembering something scary from the past. Perhaps a teacher verbally or physically assaulted us when we failed to learn something "the right way", which has led to this reaction in us when our children fail to learn something "the right way". Perhaps we hold deep fears inside from being neglected or abandoned and when our child needs our emotional support, we feel triggered.... and the list goes on!
We may not consciously be aware of what happened in the past that is triggering this brain response, but the brain remembers, and for years we have habitually and unconsciously perpetuated this brain reaction because we've not been aware of what is going on in the brain or why we are having the sensations in our body that make us want to run away or hurt an innocent other.
How do we heal it?
The explanation is simple. The practice takes commitment.
Step one is awareness. When you feel the adrenaline beginning to arise and rush through your body, notice it and acknowledge it is happening by labelling it with one simple phrase: "I'm triggered."
Step two is to stop and breathe. Once you've noticed you're triggered, every part of your body is screaming for you to "do something!" - to react. Don't. Simply stay as centered as you can in the moment, say and do nothing at all, and be with the feelings rushing through your body. Breathe deeply. It may also be helpful to close your eyes as you breathe and notice finer details of the sensations moving.... where do they arise and what exactly do they feel like?
Step three is self compassion. If any thought enters your head, let it be this: Nothing is wrong with me. My brain is just doing its job remembering something scary from the past and it's lovingly trying to protect me.
The neat thing about this is that what we're doing here is re-training the brain. You're saying: "ok, brain, I hear you! You're sensing something scary out here and you're letting me know! Well, thanks so much for that." By not reacting, you're letting your brain know that what is happening actually ISN'T something requiring a fight or flight response.
Step four is to simply wait until the sensations in the body have completely died down. Now you will be able to respond from the higher part of your brain (the part you really want to respond from!)
When we repeat this process over and over, we undo the brain's wiring and habit patterns of the past. Through non-reaction we dissolve them completely. It might take dozens of times of us feeling the reaction rise and pass without reacting to it to heal the unwanted pattern. And it's SO WORTH IT. Our kids are so worth the effort.
"If you really aren't trying to get anywhere else, patience takes care of itself." John Kabat-Zinn
