Resistance to Teaching

Every human being is born with intense curiosity and an innate sense of wonder of the world.  This inner drive, untampered with, is naturally potent and requisite fuel for learning to propel the human being to abundant knowledge and capability in the world.

A child holds a clear understanding inside himself of this truth - that he is born equipped to learn.  He is a ready-made Seeker able to grow and adapt by simply being in awe of the world, following his curiousity, wonder and bliss.  

Many of us have had our Inner Sense of ourselves obscured by the rigorous and narrowly-focused systems that are in place.  We may be unclear about, or even blind to the immense learning power of our natural sense of wonder and curiosity.

When we continue to push the path of "blueprint" learning, we construct the same type of container around the child as was constructed around us.  It is important to consider how much this system provides us in terms of positive evolution and societal change.  Does learning about the world in this boxed, linear fashion serve humanity in terms of advancing us to a higher and better place?  

When we buy-in to these learning systems, we often are looking at the child through a fear-tainted lens:  as learning-incapable and illequipped, as empty and needing to be "filled".  When approaching learning this way, we are staying active with the old belief system and bolstering it.  We are playing an old record that keeps alive the mythical tune that we must systematically construct the same, archaic learning environment for our children.  These beliefs are so powerful that they have a very strong hold on us -- we may feel overwhelmed by the powerful urges to transmit the same curricula and inculcate the same belief patterns to the next generation, perhaps to the point of engaging in major battles with our children over learning.  

Archetypal teaching practices limit our ability to self-direct, to make our own learning choices, and to learn by following our in-born passions. It places us in a box that separates us from the world and our deepest desires to explore, observe the world around us, and learn through meaningful mentorship with those who share our unique passions.  It dissolves our sense of wonder and curiosity with the world and transfers the power to the teacher.  It sends the child the message that his personal passions do not hold deep importance nor validity.  It implies that those in positions of power are more capable of discerning which knowledge is "useful" to learn, and that the child must learn through this dictation of useful knowledge in order to be "successful" in the world. It tells the child that his individual sense of knowing about what, how and when to learn is null and void.

This erodes a child's ability to remain aware of what holds true for her and her personal life evolution.  The child is directed away from her passions and told that she will be more "successful" if she follows the standard program like everyone else.  In turn, this diminishes society's positive progress through the suppression of unique talents and gifts.  It is replaced with human "machines" that are spit of out of the institutional system ready-made, devoid of an inner sense of passion in order to uphold the "economic system".

The resistance that can appear when we attempt to teach our children uninvited is a sign that the child is attuned to her True Nature as a free Being, whose deepest desire is to follow her passions.  As we swoop in and attempt to take control of learning, we set off her inner alarm bells.  She is acutely aware inside that a violation of her self-authority is taking place.
 

When we awaken to the knowing that, naturally, we are impressively made creatures, capable of designing our own learning path, we can open the door to new ways of learning and living.   We may come to a place of realizing that the old patterns and beliefs do not serve the conscious evolution of Humanity as it is based in fear, control and disempowerment.  We can move into a place of re-activating the alive, curious, wondrous part of ourselves and seek new ways of learning alongside our children. We can trust that our child is moving towards Optimal Rightness.   By tuning-in to his learning passions, focuses, shifts and process, we can provide Optimal Support though love, strewing, learning alongside him, adequate space, modeling and mentorship.

Learning is not Linear

When given room to learn naturally, free from any "must-dos", time or content restraints, children's learning usually goes in spits and spurts.  Their focus may change quite frequently and they may enjoy times of intense fascination and long interludes when exploring passions.  They tend to take what they need from life in the way that serves them best, and over time, piece together mental puzzles, connect the dots and enjoy "ah ha!" moments that are rich and pleasurable.

Physically present and emotionally tuned-in parents have hunches and insight into what shifts are taking place and how information is being absorbed and integrated by the child.  It feels spine tingling when you realize that all the seemingly random dabblings, momentary infactuations and prolongued do-nothing periods really DID manage to coalesce and fill in significant brain space.

What is even more fascinating is that by learning in this intrinsically satisfying, free flow fashion, the child may, in fact, be better able to recall learned facts and concepts with clarity than his schooled counterparts.  How can that be?

Schooled children are following a curriculum which tells them what to do, when to do it and how to demonstrate their understanding of it.  Children who are learning naturally are following their bliss, wonder and passion. They learn things because they LOVE to - they choose to, either through interest or determined personal need.  The schooled child is often doing what he has to because of concern of what will happen if he doesn't.  He memorizes what he has to, reads what he has to, produces what he has to... flush the toilet and the majority of it disappears from short-term memory.  Teacher pleased, end of the uninspiring adventure -- the conscious mind sees no point to hanging on to learning which brought little pleasure.

Conversely, the child who is learning naturally will demonstrate the learning in the precise way that is necessary for that individual child to integrate what he is learning.  Learning could be integrated in very explicit ways - a drawing, a self-made song or story, a puppet play, a speech or conversation; or, it could synthesize internally - an invisible connecting-the-dots while lying and looking at the stars on a clear night.  The truth is, when we first begin this journey, much of what a child is learning and absorbing we may not know at any given moment in time.  It's a sacred mystery that is constantly unfolding, and as we become are attuned, we get larger glimpses into what is going on inside that exquisite mind through a song, a sand box creation, a conversation or explanation, a performance or art piece.

A child always knows her Optimal Rightness with respect to learning and orienting herself in the world. Oftentimes this involves, from an outsider's perspective, a lag or hiatus, which, if we peer inside, is simply the absorbed learning percolating... waiting to combine with another tidbit before it becomes alive and active and ready to be explored and experimented with in glee.

The fact that most of our children are committed to an institution that does little to nurture the joy, wonder, choice, and passion-led desire to learn is completely astonishing.  The belief that learning should be linear can and should be tossed out the window.  If we want to raise children in a way that serves humanity and a positive future, we must allow for the child's learning to develop on its own time line and in its own way.  We must embrace all of the child's unique learning ways, however focused or however sporadic learning appears.  Even if learning seems invisible and isn't immediately followed up by an outward "demonstration", we can trust that a living, breathing human being, participating in the world her, is always learning and deeply desires to absorb as much as she is developmentally capable of.

Encouragement

When given trust and freedom in her learning, the child stays fully connected to that strong inner drive to wonder about life, to explore and drink up life, and to advance her learning.

“Encouragement” is a very interesting word.  It looks different for different families.  For some, encouragement may look like being attuned, present and available to the child.  For others, it can involve different degrees of manipulation - from subtle to not so subtle - where the parent is putting "where he wants the child to be" ahead of where the child is optimally "at" in her development. In this sense, "encouragement" involves "prodding" rather than a sense of trust that the child's learning choices are a reflection of Optimal Rightness. 

If we look at the message our “encouragement” could be sending to our child, we should be able to notice if we are following an observe-and-support approach, or if we are allowing some old control-based beliefs to creep in.  If we find we fall in the latter category, we need to examine our fears about learning.  What are we concerned “may not happen” through natural unfolding of learning and why?  Is the prodding worth the energy we give it, and is it worth the discomfort, distrust and disempowerment it creates for our child?

We want to become aware of any tendencies to artificially steer our children in any particular direction. Artificial refers to acting from a place of fear or lack when it comes to learning and Being. "Encouraging" involves trusting, noticing, observing and then "being with" the learner in a way that is mutually evolutionary.  if we are tuned-in through observation, we are better able to “know” ourselves and child through and through, hence, provide for each learning endeavour in ways a caring supporter senses are the most beneficial.

What are you Unconsciously Perpetuating?

Our children's innocence and wonder with life is truly mind bloggling.  When we tune-in to their pureness and rapid absorption rate, we can see how we are constantly transmitting beliefs through our words, and even more so, through our actions and ways of being.

Many times on this parenting adventure I have found myself responding to my child "on auto-pilot" -- beliefs, stories and the like rolling off my tongue because they had been told to me as a child, or because I'd heard others saying something similar to their child.  We need to be aware, once we become a part of the "parenting club", of what messages we, as a group/as a society are clinging to and transmitting/perpetuating to the next generation.  It's important to examine whether or not these messages serve us in supporting the conscious evolution of our society or if they are stale beliefs that we may wish to discard.  Once we get to the place of examining our beliefs and how they affect our parenting, we can ask ourselves:  Does this feel good?  Is this really true?  Does it feel authentic? Does it enhance connection with my child or create disconnect?  Does it transmit a message to my child that I would want to see carried on into their futures and into their children's futures? 

It's been amazing to me on this journey to notice how, as I continue to develop a deeper sense of awareness, that it has become easier and easier to identify, break apart and discard the old beliefs and create new, "higher" ones for our family and within in the family groups that we spend time with.

Parents become well-rehearsed in so many of these knee-jerk messages, stale beliefs and unconscious ways of being, to the point that they don't even realize they are transmitting them, painful or otherwise, broken-record-style to their children. There are too many to list - but I'd like to briefly touch upon a few here just to give some examples. This blog will soon include many entries that will examine in greater depth some harder-to-recognize patterns we may be unconsciously perpetuating.

1) Eating.  This one has deep roots for many of us whose caregivers may have pushed the "clean your plate" story upon us.  Today, there is a huge amount of information out there - studies that show that your child knows what foods he needs, and how much, and that physical and psychological problems can result when the parent is controlling food intake. More info in a short video/article > here.

2) Sharing.  Another interesting belief to explore that seems rampantly transmitted at playgroups is forced sharing.  Explore more about this topic> here

3) Manners.  So often you hear a parent parroting:  "What do you say??"  Is the parent actually instilling a sense of gratitude in the child?  More information about how children learn manners > here

4) Sleep.  Many parents think their babies should be "sleeping through the night" by a certain age. Many think the safest place for a newborn is in a crib. Many parents lack compassion when their older child may resist sleeping certain hours, lengths of time, and so on.  There is much information to be explored on these topics, and if we want to provide the most nurturing environment for our children, we owe it to them to not simply follow the norm and to do the research and make the highest choices.

5) School.  Surprisingly, most parents don't even consider whether or not school these days is a healthy place for their child.  Is it really in the best interest of the child emotionally, socially and intellectually to be isolated from their loved ones and community and head into an institution at age 5 or younger?  Is it a healthy choice at any age?  Is school an environment that supports the human race in progressive thinking and ways of being?

6) Time

7) Independence

"Bad Behaviour"

Persistent so-called “bad” behaviour is often the result of the child not receiving sufficient attention to and care for her feelings and needs.  It may also pertain to the parent not being clear in themselves in terms of providing right-for-evolution guidance. When neither self-awareness nor attention to needs and feelings are commonplace in a home, the child finds excruciating ways to convey her inner disharmony.  Being an intelligent and creative being who knows that having these needs met by a solid support system is her birthright, she will relentlessly seek and test out increasingly effective ways to draw attention to her ungrounded situation.  Chronic behaviours such as acting out, whining, tantrums, hitting, shouting and aggression are big alarm bells for the parent - calls out requesting increased connection to a grounded leader.

A child stifled by a parent who unconsciously sticks to surface remedial action -- to control and stop the outward expression -- will continue to find creative ways to wake the parent up to awareness of the unattended to needs burning inside.  This pattern of negative attention-getting behaviour coupled with the parent's surface-level thwarting of the outward behaviour is a viscous cycle of “Plumber Parenting” > > persistently focused on patching leaks rather than consciously connecting and tuning-in to something deeper and greater.

Masters of Life

As women, and even more so as we transition into motherhood, we possess very heightened awareness of the world around us.  Increasingly so once we become a parent due to the nature of this exquisitely important and precise guiding role, key to our species survival and evolution.  

Our children are wide open and vulnerable as they integrate the newness of this realm.  They are using a very delicate, very sophisticated guidance system -- all six senses -- to tune-in to us on all levels. Whether we are aware of it or not, as we interact with reality around us, our children are continuously interpreting our dance.  They are drawing conclusions from our behaviour and taking us very, very seriously.    

Much like wild animals, our offspring take their cues about the world from the mother.   The young are very acutely tuned-in to mother's reactions and responses to everything she encounters.  They have innate trust in the mother's wisdom of the world and in her response to each stimulus in this Earthy interface.

To support the conscious evolution of our planet, we must be masters of our environment and masters of our minds.  Feeling grounded in time and space and being consciously aware of the container which we create and work within is key to having right-for-evolution responses to the world around us.  These responses will be taken up by and advanced upon by our children as they grow and mature.

Things to consider for examination on this journey are: how we model our dance with time, how we model our response to unexpected events, how we communicate with those around us, how we use language to label the things we see and experience.  

The way in which we as mothers trust in and connect to the Earth itself, as our Great Mother, creates the interface for our children's reality and forms their entire belief system.  In the wild, if a mother makes too many moves that model wrong-for-evolution behaviour, her children, and perhaps she, will not survive long.  The mother's purpose is to pass along choices that support the survival of her offspring.  

Human consciousness can not evolve until we decide to become more conscious parents.  This involves being more discerning with what we pass along, ridding ourselves of old, useless beliefs and thought patterns and choosing instead to model right-for-evolution ways of living and being.  In fact, Human Beings, as "successful" as we may appear to be, will not survive here unless we do.

The All-Mighty Agenda

It's clear that our young children live in a timeless world.  Time has very little or no meaning to them and when we stop to recognize this truth, we can see how incredibly delicious living life from this perspective is.  They have complete freedom from "have tos" in this sense, and are fully present in the moment.  It takes takes 2+ hours for my kids to venture through the short loop in our forest - down to the river, around and back - simply because there is so much to see and "oooh" and "aww" over.  We can learn here from our children about the wonder of life that we have lost through years of rigorous training to provide fast answers, to win the race (to where?), to have a full schedule, to get things done promptly in order for them to hold merit, and so on.

Have you ever found yourself so anxious about getting to some place "on time" that you dragged your child out the door crying? Have you ever had an agenda and wanted to leave some place "on time" and used bribery to get your child to agree to leave somewhere she didn't want to leave yet? 

We can stop and think about our schedules and whether it serves our children and our society's evolution to keep thinking that happiness is "over there" somewhere.... does it serve the children to continue running on the hamster wheel?  Perhaps we'd all find much deeper peace if we slowed down and let the children be our teachers when it comes to time.  Enjoying the present moment without an agenda allows us to enter a very high state of bliss.  We notice things we didn't notice before.  We see truth in all it's detail and definition.  

So ask yourself what is more important > bliss or productivity?  The "arrival" at some place, or enjoying the process of getting there?

Which end of the rope do you see?

Every child comes from a place of good intentions. In fact, we can say that all people are acting from a place of love, or lack of love.  When a child is feeling lack or disconnect, the behaviour manifests in the best way that child knows how to express it to trigger our attention.  This expression may appear, through our judgement lens, as "needy", "bad", "inappropriate" or "disrespectful".  When we misinterpret a valid expression, we are neglecting to see the reason, or need behind the behaviour.

Picture a rope with a frayed end. The opposite end is out of sight, tied somewhere to something you can't see.  The frayed end represents the outward expression (crying, tantrum, whining, hitting, etc). The knot on the other end is tied to the core issue that is in need of care and attention inside the child. When a behaviour appears that triggers us, we first notice only the frayed rope end. We must pause before reacting. as this is a signal that we have yet to uncover something deeper. We choose then to tune in to both the child and to our inner sense of knowing, and like a blind person searching, run our hands lovingly and patiently along that rope until we find our way to the knot.  This knot represents the source of the eruption - often a feeling of lack of connection in the child. In seeing how it relates to us both, we then choose healing and reconnection instead of choosing to scorn, punish or suppress the expression.  Beyond baby stage, after we acknowledge the deeper need and take steps to reconnect and heal, we can model and continue to support clear and loving ways of expressing needs.


In this practice, lies the answer to peace and harmony in our relations. Opening up to this deep empathy, care and respect for the child and for ourselves is immensely important in supporting the child's connection to her feelings and needs and in learning how to communicate them in a healthy fashion.

Parenting consciously means being patient de-coders and loving empathizers.  Digging deeper to interpret the behaviour, we discover and support the root feelings and needs of the child.  This supports us in maintaining positive, "clean slate" relations with our children, It also models to our children how to respond to others with empathy and kindness.